Chronicling life as a new father to his beautiful firstborn child – daughter Thea – Chris Kerr’s goal is to provide all men experiencing fatherhood for the first time with some invaluable tips and tricks as they are learned – the hard way.Acknowledging he needs help, Chris has called on a group of dads he calls, ‘The Father Hood’, to ask them for their tips and wisdom. In this edition, Chris sits down with Jay Payleitner, the father of four sons and one daughter (now all grown up) and the author of numerous books on fatherhood and family.
There is a common theme when I speak to dads of teenage girls. It goes a little something like this: “Oh, you think looking after a baby girl is hard, wait until they are teenagers.” I have a fairly fool-proof plan for when Thea does reach that age that involves me finishing my legal studies and becoming the Chief Prosecutor for England and Wales so that I can pick her up from school with an entire police force in tow to frighten any suitors away. My back-up plan, which is to become the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, is also impactful, giving me full use of MI5 for surveillance and MI6 for ‘removing threats’ like every boy I do not approve of (which, until she is an adult, will be EVERYONE).
Jay Payleitner, the guy who wrote 52 Things Daughters Need From Their Dads, the book which has been a real inspiration for me (mainly because it was a kind read for a sleep-deprived man), has another way of looking at it, possibly a more realistic approach: “When I am presenting to an audience of dads, I ask them, ‘how many of you have just boys or just girls in your family?’ Many put their hands up. And convention says, if I have two little boys, I would love a daughter or if I have three girls, I would love a son. Gentlemen, if you keep pouring into your daughter or daughters, you are going to get that son. If you do the same for your son(s), then you are going to end up with a great daughter. And that is another reason not to strangle your teenagers!”
Jay knows what he is talking about and so, I am delighted to bring you this exclusive interview:
Jay, imagine I have a time machine and I am taking you back to the day before your first child was born and you get to give that young Jay one piece of advice that will help him most as he starts his fathering journey. What is that advice?
Show up. Be there. The little stuff doesn’t matter. The little stuff you spend countless hours fretting about, just let it go. Enjoy every moment. It goes so fast, so that might be the big thing. You also need to know that you – dad – are important. The media doesn’t tell you that and society often doesn’t either, but you are. You probably will have watched the sitcoms where the dads are always the buffoons but don’t go there, as I can talk loads about it. One positive example though is Forrest Gump. There is a line at the end, as his son gets on the bus. He sits on stump and tells his son that, “I will be right here when you get back.” That’s the idea that dads need to have. Kids need to know that Dad is their foundation. When your kids go off to kindergarten or to school or to their first job or to prom or to college or whatever it is they are off to do, they need to know that Dad will be right here, literally and/or metaphorically, when you get back. They need to know that they can count on you to be where they need you to be whether that is a phone call away or a knock on the door that kind of thing.
Being a dad has its tough moments. The non-stop crying, the toddler tantrums, the feeling like a spare part sometimes, particularly in the early years. What advice do you have for dads to help them navigate those moments?
One saying I always give to dads is, ‘laugh over spilt milk’. Accidents happen. Your young son or daughter already feels bad for spilling their milk. Why do we pile on? Yelling at them will not improve the situation. Yelling will only exasperate your kids. When the milk glass tumbles, your best course of action is to throw napkins at the spill and keep repeating, “No problem. No problem.” After all, when you brought that little one home from the hospital, you were agreeing to clean up a certain number of milk spills over the next decade or so. It’s truly inevitable.
Once you’ve solved the immediate crisis, parents have a chance to assess the next course of action. Maybe your glasses need to be easier to hold. Maybe you pour smaller portions for a while. Without too much fanfare, keep a roll of paper towels within reach. Please don’t make your eight-year-old revert to using a sippy cup.
An excellent dad response would be to recall embarrassing moments in your own life when you dipped your tie into the gravy or tucked the tablecloth into your trousers and pulled the entire table setting onto your lap. Make something up if you have to – the more outlandish the better. Then – with an understanding smile – let them know you still expect them to be a little more careful. That lesson just may stick. If your child does something naughty with intent and maliciousness, that’s another story. But accidents happen. You can set the tone for your kids to learn from their mistakes.
Jay’s daughter, four sons and four daughters-in-law
What do you do when you feel like you can’t really help? Like the time, my wife was out at a concert and Thea wouldn’t stop crying.
When bad things happen, dads make things better. That’s the attitude you need to have. You may not be able to stop you daughter crying but it is an opportunity for you to demonstrate your attitude to every tough moment your son or daughter is going to have from one day old right the way through adulthood. That attitude should be a) I love you, b) It will be OK, and c) We will get through this together. The last point is important, as you have the wisdom, experience and ability to guide them through.
When bad stuff happens to your kids you want them to come to you. Believe it or not, you want that phone call. “Dad, I wrecked the car.” “Dad, I’m dropping out of school.” “Dad, I’m in jail.” “Dad, I’m pregnant.” Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant.”Those things are not good news, of course. But those cries for help are a sign that you’re doing something right. You have earned their trust. You have established yourself as a hero who delivers unconditional love.
Kids of any age need to be able to pick up their cell phone and call Dad. When you get that call, be thankful. They could have called someone else, but they knew you would rise to the occasion.
They also know there will still be consequences. They’re not ‘off the hook’. Maybe later, you will deliver a short lecture, insist on an apology, or require some financial restitution, but for now you are the one individual they can count on. You will be the voice of reason. You will help sort out the stuff that matters from the stuff that doesn’t. You will protect them from further harm. Their trustworthy Dad will help them see the big picture and move forward with hope and confidence. Plus, you will make sure the punishment fits the crime.
Dad, life will hit the fan. When it does, you want your kids coming to you because the world does not love them. The world is broken. And the world will give them bad advice.
By the way, “I love you. It will be okay. We’ll get through this together” is also God’s perspective when he looks at the mess-ups of each and every one of his children.
Tune in next week for more great advice from Jay.
Chris Kerr
Chris is a husband to Alicia and father to Thea, who is the subject of his columns on Fatherhood for Sorted. In his spare time he works for a national law firm in an executive capacity and provides crisis leadership consultancy support for non-profits across the UK. He attends Urban Crofters Church in Cardiff. A keen weekend adventurer, Chris is regularly spotted in the sea or on mountains.
Sorted discusses the big issues of the day – focusing on subjects as diverse as culture, sport, cars, health, faith, gadgets, humour and relationships. We aim to be positive and wholesome in all we do. And we have been achieving this since 2007.
Every printed issue of Sorted is read by more than 100,000 men in 21 different countries – while digitally, the number of people reading our online content (free and via subscription) continues to soar.
New Dad Diaries 38: Interview with Jay Payleitner
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Chronicling life as a new father to his beautiful firstborn child – daughter Thea – Chris Kerr’s goal is to provide all men experiencing fatherhood for the first time with some invaluable tips and tricks as they are learned – the hard way. Acknowledging he needs help, Chris has called on a group of dads he calls, ‘The Father Hood’, to ask them for their tips and wisdom. In this edition, Chris sits down with Jay Payleitner, the father of four sons and one daughter (now all grown up) and the author of numerous books on fatherhood and family.
There is a common theme when I speak to dads of teenage girls. It goes a little something like this: “Oh, you think looking after a baby girl is hard, wait until they are teenagers.” I have a fairly fool-proof plan for when Thea does reach that age that involves me finishing my legal studies and becoming the Chief Prosecutor for England and Wales so that I can pick her up from school with an entire police force in tow to frighten any suitors away. My back-up plan, which is to become the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, is also impactful, giving me full use of MI5 for surveillance and MI6 for ‘removing threats’ like every boy I do not approve of (which, until she is an adult, will be EVERYONE).
Jay Payleitner, the guy who wrote 52 Things Daughters Need From Their Dads, the book which has been a real inspiration for me (mainly because it was a kind read for a sleep-deprived man), has another way of looking at it, possibly a more realistic approach: “When I am presenting to an audience of dads, I ask them, ‘how many of you have just boys or just girls in your family?’ Many put their hands up. And convention says, if I have two little boys, I would love a daughter or if I have three girls, I would love a son. Gentlemen, if you keep pouring into your daughter or daughters, you are going to get that son. If you do the same for your son(s), then you are going to end up with a great daughter. And that is another reason not to strangle your teenagers!”
Jay knows what he is talking about and so, I am delighted to bring you this exclusive interview:
Jay, imagine I have a time machine and I am taking you back to the day before your first child was born and you get to give that young Jay one piece of advice that will help him most as he starts his fathering journey. What is that advice?
Show up. Be there. The little stuff doesn’t matter. The little stuff you spend countless hours fretting about, just let it go. Enjoy every moment. It goes so fast, so that might be the big thing. You also need to know that you – dad – are important. The media doesn’t tell you that and society often doesn’t either, but you are. You probably will have watched the sitcoms where the dads are always the buffoons but don’t go there, as I can talk loads about it. One positive example though is Forrest Gump. There is a line at the end, as his son gets on the bus. He sits on stump and tells his son that, “I will be right here when you get back.” That’s the idea that dads need to have. Kids need to know that Dad is their foundation. When your kids go off to kindergarten or to school or to their first job or to prom or to college or whatever it is they are off to do, they need to know that Dad will be right here, literally and/or metaphorically, when you get back. They need to know that they can count on you to be where they need you to be whether that is a phone call away or a knock on the door that kind of thing.
Being a dad has its tough moments. The non-stop crying, the toddler tantrums, the feeling like a spare part sometimes, particularly in the early years. What advice do you have for dads to help them navigate those moments?
One saying I always give to dads is, ‘laugh over spilt milk’. Accidents happen. Your young son or daughter already feels bad for spilling their milk. Why do we pile on? Yelling at them will not improve the situation. Yelling will only exasperate your kids. When the milk glass tumbles, your best course of action is to throw napkins at the spill and keep repeating, “No problem. No problem.” After all, when you brought that little one home from the hospital, you were agreeing to clean up a certain number of milk spills over the next decade or so. It’s truly inevitable.
Once you’ve solved the immediate crisis, parents have a chance to assess the next course of action. Maybe your glasses need to be easier to hold. Maybe you pour smaller portions for a while. Without too much fanfare, keep a roll of paper towels within reach. Please don’t make your eight-year-old revert to using a sippy cup.
An excellent dad response would be to recall embarrassing moments in your own life when you dipped your tie into the gravy or tucked the tablecloth into your trousers and pulled the entire table setting onto your lap. Make something up if you have to – the more outlandish the better. Then – with an understanding smile – let them know you still expect them to be a little more careful. That lesson just may stick. If your child does something naughty with intent and maliciousness, that’s another story. But accidents happen. You can set the tone for your kids to learn from their mistakes.
What do you do when you feel like you can’t really help? Like the time, my wife was out at a concert and Thea wouldn’t stop crying.
When bad things happen, dads make things better. That’s the attitude you need to have. You may not be able to stop you daughter crying but it is an opportunity for you to demonstrate your attitude to every tough moment your son or daughter is going to have from one day old right the way through adulthood. That attitude should be a) I love you, b) It will be OK, and c) We will get through this together. The last point is important, as you have the wisdom, experience and ability to guide them through.
When bad stuff happens to your kids you want them to come to you. Believe it or not, you want that phone call. “Dad, I wrecked the car.” “Dad, I’m dropping out of school.” “Dad, I’m in jail.” “Dad, I’m pregnant.” Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant.”Those things are not good news, of course. But those cries for help are a sign that you’re doing something right. You have earned their trust. You have established yourself as a hero who delivers unconditional love.
Kids of any age need to be able to pick up their cell phone and call Dad. When you get that call, be thankful. They could have called someone else, but they knew you would rise to the occasion.
They also know there will still be consequences. They’re not ‘off the hook’. Maybe later, you will deliver a short lecture, insist on an apology, or require some financial restitution, but for now you are the one individual they can count on. You will be the voice of reason. You will help sort out the stuff that matters from the stuff that doesn’t. You will protect them from further harm. Their trustworthy Dad will help them see the big picture and move forward with hope and confidence. Plus, you will make sure the punishment fits the crime.
Dad, life will hit the fan. When it does, you want your kids coming to you because the world does not love them. The world is broken. And the world will give them bad advice.
By the way, “I love you. It will be okay. We’ll get through this together” is also God’s perspective when he looks at the mess-ups of each and every one of his children.
Tune in next week for more great advice from Jay.
Chris Kerr
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Sorted discusses the big issues of the day – focusing on subjects as diverse as culture, sport, cars, health, faith, gadgets, humour and relationships. We aim to be positive and wholesome in all we do. And we have been achieving this since 2007.
Every printed issue of Sorted is read by more than 100,000 men in 21 different countries – while digitally, the number of people reading our online content (free and via subscription) continues to soar.
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