Chronicling life as a new father to his beautiful firstborn child – daughter Thea – Chris Kerr’s goal is to provide all men experiencing fatherhood for the first time with some invaluable tips and tricks as they are learned – the hard way.In this edition, Chris sits down with Giles Alexander, founder of the blog ‘You the Daddy’ and author of the new book of the same name, to chat all things fatherhood.
Thea is changing every day now. It’s only a few weeks ago that she was on a diet of milk. Now she’s ramming carrots into her mouth and laughing hysterically at the word ‘aubergine’. About a month ago she couldn’t hold her own head up. Now she is sitting proudly in her highchair, launching the aforementioned food around the room from a great height.
It’s a reminder that fatherhood is a lifelong learning process. Just when you think you have it down, a new variable appears that you must quickly adapt to. The good thing is, there are plenty of dads out there who have ‘been there, done it, got the puke all over their t-shirts’. One of those guys is Giles Alexander, father to Teddy (7), Hugh (5) and Bonnie (2). Giles started a blog when Teddy was born and has now written a book with practical tips and wisdom for new dads everywhere. I took the chance to ask him some of the burning questions we all have about being a great dad.
Let me take you back to the moment you were leaving hospital with your wife and new baby. Knowing all you know now about being a dad, what would you say to that young Giles?
As you walk through your front door, babe in arms, don’t be surprised to feel a massive sense of relief, tinged with a healthy dose of fear. After all, it is up to you and your partner to keep this little person alive and well. That comes with a lot of pressure. Relax and enjoy the moment. Make a drink, have a seat, and recount the experience that you have both been through. That is really important as you will soon be all-action!
The other thing I would say is make sure you are ready – you have everything you need, you have read everything you want to, etc – at least a month before baby arrives. Our first arrived a month early and it was a real shock to the system. Prepare in advance!
What advice do you have for dads who want to build a great bond with their baby?
I think many dads, probably more than would want to admit it, struggle to form a bond with the baby in those early days. Unlike our partners we have not been growing this baby inside of us for nine months and feeling them move around, so there is not that same instant bond and connection that we have with our baby as our partners do. I don’t think this is something that we should necessarily worry about because it happens to so many dads.
That said, the more you can be actively involved in baby’s care during those early days, the quicker that bond will build. Doing skin to skin when they are born and in the months afterwards is great for both you and baby. When baby grabs your finger for the first time too, that is a great moment. All of these things help. But the main thing is to be present.
What were the biggest challenges for you in the first year of fathering?
I think the big one for all new parents is the lack of sleep! It really hit my wife and I when our son Teddy was five weeks old. We realised neither of us were getting any sleep and we just couldn’t continue like this. We needed to get him into some kind of routine and I think most of the books suggest waiting until the baby is around 12 weeks before you even consider any type of routine. But we implemented one anyway, which wasn’t a strict routine, but it just gave us more structure to our day. The one that we favoured, and it is down to individual choice, is Tracy Hogg’s E.A.S.Y method, which stands for stands for Eat, Activity, Sleep, and You Time. This basically means that you put your baby to sleep, then feed them as soon as they wake up. But then rather than let them fall back to sleep on the boob/bottle (which can be difficult, I know), you keep them awake for a little longer afterwards (the Activity part… which could be playing with them or just changing their nappy) before putting them down to sleep again, so that you can get your well deserved ‘You Time’.
How do you reconcile being a worker (provider) with the desire to be a hands-on dad?
There was a lot in life pushing me and other dads like me into that provider box. For example, there was a strong push/pull to work all hours with the intention of providing for our wife and kids. There is something wholesome about that. But the knock-on impact of that is that we lose important time with our children and we push our wives into the full-time parenting role.
I was keen at one point to test my chops as a stay-at-home dad, but financially that wouldn’t have been viable for us. I researched shared parental leave but again that wasn’t viable either. So, I resigned myself for years that I was just going to provide financially to help us move into a bigger home.
But for me, the pandemic changed all of that. For the first time, there was no option but to be at home all the time and to mix work and family life completely. I think it shocked me and other dads, just how much goes into parenting – the mental load and all the invisible tasks that you have to do every day just to maintain a steady state. That was really a big wake up call for me, plus the ability to work more flexibly from home which I had never considered or did before the pandemic.
Since then, I got a new job which has cut my commuting time by two hours which allows me to be closer to home and to spend that time with my family. I am now able to coach my son’s football team, take the kids to their various clubs, and generally be more involved in their life.
This interview appeared in full in the Sept/Oct 2024 issue of Sorted magazine.
Chris Kerr
Chris is a husband to Alicia and father to Thea, who is the subject of his columns on Fatherhood for Sorted. In his spare time he works for a national law firm in an executive capacity and provides crisis leadership consultancy support for non-profits across the UK. He attends Urban Crofters Church in Cardiff. A keen weekend adventurer, Chris is regularly spotted in the sea or on mountains.
Sorted discusses the big issues of the day – focusing on subjects as diverse as culture, sport, cars, health, faith, gadgets, humour and relationships. We aim to be positive and wholesome in all we do. And we have been achieving this since 2007.
Every printed issue of Sorted is read by more than 100,000 men in 21 different countries – while digitally, the number of people reading our online content (free and via subscription) continues to soar.
New Dad Diaries 36: You the Daddy
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Chronicling life as a new father to his beautiful firstborn child – daughter Thea – Chris Kerr’s goal is to provide all men experiencing fatherhood for the first time with some invaluable tips and tricks as they are learned – the hard way. In this edition, Chris sits down with Giles Alexander, founder of the blog ‘You the Daddy’ and author of the new book of the same name, to chat all things fatherhood.
Thea is changing every day now. It’s only a few weeks ago that she was on a diet of milk. Now she’s ramming carrots into her mouth and laughing hysterically at the word ‘aubergine’. About a month ago she couldn’t hold her own head up. Now she is sitting proudly in her highchair, launching the aforementioned food around the room from a great height.
It’s a reminder that fatherhood is a lifelong learning process. Just when you think you have it down, a new variable appears that you must quickly adapt to. The good thing is, there are plenty of dads out there who have ‘been there, done it, got the puke all over their t-shirts’. One of those guys is Giles Alexander, father to Teddy (7), Hugh (5) and Bonnie (2). Giles started a blog when Teddy was born and has now written a book with practical tips and wisdom for new dads everywhere. I took the chance to ask him some of the burning questions we all have about being a great dad.
Let me take you back to the moment you were leaving hospital with your wife and new baby. Knowing all you know now about being a dad, what would you say to that young Giles?
As you walk through your front door, babe in arms, don’t be surprised to feel a massive sense of relief, tinged with a healthy dose of fear. After all, it is up to you and your partner to keep this little person alive and well. That comes with a lot of pressure. Relax and enjoy the moment. Make a drink, have a seat, and recount the experience that you have both been through. That is really important as you will soon be all-action!
The other thing I would say is make sure you are ready – you have everything you need, you have read everything you want to, etc – at least a month before baby arrives. Our first arrived a month early and it was a real shock to the system. Prepare in advance!
What advice do you have for dads who want to build a great bond with their baby?
I think many dads, probably more than would want to admit it, struggle to form a bond with the baby in those early days. Unlike our partners we have not been growing this baby inside of us for nine months and feeling them move around, so there is not that same instant bond and connection that we have with our baby as our partners do. I don’t think this is something that we should necessarily worry about because it happens to so many dads.
That said, the more you can be actively involved in baby’s care during those early days, the quicker that bond will build. Doing skin to skin when they are born and in the months afterwards is great for both you and baby. When baby grabs your finger for the first time too, that is a great moment. All of these things help. But the main thing is to be present.
What were the biggest challenges for you in the first year of fathering?
I think the big one for all new parents is the lack of sleep! It really hit my wife and I when our son Teddy was five weeks old. We realised neither of us were getting any sleep and we just couldn’t continue like this. We needed to get him into some kind of routine and I think most of the books suggest waiting until the baby is around 12 weeks before you even consider any type of routine. But we implemented one anyway, which wasn’t a strict routine, but it just gave us more structure to our day. The one that we favoured, and it is down to individual choice, is Tracy Hogg’s E.A.S.Y method, which stands for stands for Eat, Activity, Sleep, and You Time. This basically means that you put your baby to sleep, then feed them as soon as they wake up. But then rather than let them fall back to sleep on the boob/bottle (which can be difficult, I know), you keep them awake for a little longer afterwards (the Activity part… which could be playing with them or just changing their nappy) before putting them down to sleep again, so that you can get your well deserved ‘You Time’.
How do you reconcile being a worker (provider) with the desire to be a hands-on dad?
There was a lot in life pushing me and other dads like me into that provider box. For example, there was a strong push/pull to work all hours with the intention of providing for our wife and kids. There is something wholesome about that. But the knock-on impact of that is that we lose important time with our children and we push our wives into the full-time parenting role.
I was keen at one point to test my chops as a stay-at-home dad, but financially that wouldn’t have been viable for us. I researched shared parental leave but again that wasn’t viable either. So, I resigned myself for years that I was just going to provide financially to help us move into a bigger home.
But for me, the pandemic changed all of that. For the first time, there was no option but to be at home all the time and to mix work and family life completely. I think it shocked me and other dads, just how much goes into parenting – the mental load and all the invisible tasks that you have to do every day just to maintain a steady state. That was really a big wake up call for me, plus the ability to work more flexibly from home which I had never considered or did before the pandemic.
Since then, I got a new job which has cut my commuting time by two hours which allows me to be closer to home and to spend that time with my family. I am now able to coach my son’s football team, take the kids to their various clubs, and generally be more involved in their life.
This interview appeared in full in the Sept/Oct 2024 issue of Sorted magazine.
Chris Kerr
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Sorted Magazine
Sorted discusses the big issues of the day – focusing on subjects as diverse as culture, sport, cars, health, faith, gadgets, humour and relationships. We aim to be positive and wholesome in all we do. And we have been achieving this since 2007.
Every printed issue of Sorted is read by more than 100,000 men in 21 different countries – while digitally, the number of people reading our online content (free and via subscription) continues to soar.
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