Digital Editor’s Note: I’m delighted to welcome Matt Summerfield as our Guest Writer. Matt is the Senior Leader of Zeo Church which he leads alongside a wider love for cheering on leaders through training, coaching, and running retreats. Recently he was in a field near Swindon for an annual men’s festival called The Gathering run by Christian Vision for Men (CVM) where he was reminded afresh of his struggle to ask for help.
Matt (pictured above) writes: Why do we find it so hard to ask for help? Or is it just me? Do you find it easy to reach out and admit you can’t do something without the assistance of another?
Recently I was in a field near Swindon for a men’s festival called The Gathering with Christian Vision for Men (CVM) where I was reminded afresh of my struggle to ask for help. I arrived on-site on a warm, but windy, Friday afternoon and my first task was to put up the tent I’d borrowed. Surely I could do this by myself!
My first challenge was making sure I’d got the right poles in the right places and, frustratingly, my natural aptitude for starting wrong didn’t disappoint. I wondered what people were thinking as they walked past watching me contend with a tent that was fast becoming a kite as the wind blew strong. And still, I didn’t ask for help!
Then up walked James who asked: “Can I give you a hand Matt?” I can’t tell you how much I wanted to reply “No, I’m fine”. But my limited inner wisdom whispered I was far from fine, as the tent was starting to wrap around me like an Anaconda (curse that wind!). Instead, I responded, “If you’ve got time that would b great”. (note: there’s a clue here about my reluctance to ask for help. I’ll come back to that in a moment)
And before you knew it, James and I had the tent structurally robust and I was feeling very grateful. You’d think I’d learnt my lesson. But clearly not!
My next task was to blow up the large inflatable mattress I’d borrowed from my son and daughter-in-law. There was no power near the tent so I headed over to the team area, plugged it in, and within moments it was inflated and ready to go. But now it was large and difficult to hold. How was I going to navigate it back to the tent, without both mattress and myself being blown over by the wind?
There were people in the team area. People who would’ve helped me if I’d asked them. But no. They looked busy. So I started to pull the mattress across the floor. “Can I give you a hand Matt?” came an offer. “No, it’s fine I should be OK.” I replied this time, desperately trying to manoeuvre the large inflated bed around an obstacle-course of chairs. “It’s OK, I’ll help you, it will be easier with two people.” came the response. Sometimes I need people who won’t take my “no” for an answer. Within moments, the bed was in, and all was right with the world!
Why do we find it so hard to ask for help? I do know the answer – to a degree. It isn’t really pride, although I’m sure there’s a spoonful of that somewhere. No, my real problem is that I don’t want to inconvenience people. I don’t want to be “any trouble”. I love to give and serve, but I’m just not very good at receiving.
I am getting better at it, mind you. But yesterday’s story reminds me that I still have a way to go. I wish I could pinpoint a moment in my past that has shaped this reluctance to ask for help. But I can’t. Perhaps there’s an underlying fear that asking for help and being refused would be even worse.
Then I’d feel rejected (which has often been my secret nemesis). Whatever is going on in the complexity of my heart and mind, I know – because I teach and preach it – that we do need each other. We need God and we need each other. The following words from Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 are often applied to marriages at weddings BUT they’re truths for all of our relationships.
Two are better than one, becase they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no-one to help him up! Also if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
So what is it for you? What keeps you from asking for help? Perhaps we can all decide to be a little bit more brave, or humble, or vulnerable, and enjoy the blessing of receiving. Cheering and praying for you!
Main Photo Credit: Courtesy of Bob Fraser at The Gathering 2024.
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